Log in

No account? Create an account
16 May 2008 @ 04:43 pm
Review, "Cold", 5/13/08  

This is the gun Casey should have had on hand for that "talk" with Donnelly.

Before we get to the review, darlings, let us each raise a shot of lime-flavored vodka to the longest running female ADA in the L&O universe! ADA Casey Novak! Long may her record remain!

Summary of Episode:

So, in order to kill two cast members with one stone, Dickieboy ordered up a steaming pile of WTF?! for our viewing displeasure. Apparently, Detective Chester Lake, who previously had approximately 12 lines in his entire run on this series, has held onto his first case as a detective for 10 years now. He got his gold shield in Brooklyn, it seems, and his first case has haunted him ever since. (Wow. What an original idea! A first case that haunts the detective? I mean, hasn't that already been done on this show? Olivia IS her own first case, for God's sake!) It's also unsolved. An undocumented girl, 14 years old, was brutally raped and murdered on her way home from school. With, of course, no witnesses or forensic evidence to speak of. Every month, Chester goes to a meeting of VIDOCQ (which is apparently some unofficial inter-agency cold case nerd club) and pesters one of the women there to take a look at the case. She suggests he go back to the beginning and look at everything again. He does and ends up the suspect in the killing of a cop.

Which is where this episode should have ended, because not much of it after this point made any legal sense whatsoever. Suffice it to say that Ironbone completely forgot a few very salient points, which I will go over later. Let me just say this for now: Dickieboy, the next time you're looking to bag two cast members for the price of one, please pay attention to the details of your plot. Otherwise, you might look like a total idiot--or rather more of one.

DiNovia's Content Commentary:

First and foremost: I can't believe our little Casey is a redhead again. I've been rereading some of my earlier reviews and it pained me to see how long we fought the blonde, to no avail. And now the red is back. Hooray!

Second, I do not care if Cragen blew everyone at One PP, there is NO WAY any police commissioner anywhere would let detectives from the same precinct as Chester Lake investigate his alleged crime. ESPECIALLY when that crime involved the shooting death of another cop from another precinct. What a steaming load of horse shit! And hello? Does the anagram "IAB" mean anything to anyone? They are never even mentioned!

I mean, I know rising fuel prices are responsible for a lot of cut backs on a lot of fronts, but replacing fake blood with red latex paint? Seriously? Ed Kralik had been dead for at least 6 hours, if not longer, when they turned his air conditioned body over for Warner to look at--and he was still covered in bright red blood? Not to mention that the blood coming from his wounds in the first place would not have been bright red anyway. Bright red blood comes from superficial, highly-oxygenated areas of the body, usually closest to the surface of the skin. It does not come from 5 GSWs to the abdominothoracic area. Add some blue to that mix and you're good to go!

"Scanstation 2"? Scan this [insert rude gesture here]! If I wanted to watch multiple ridiculous uses of improbable technology, I'd watch CSI:Miami. Give me a fucking break! If the NYPD had one of those--and they would only have one because they probably cost tens of thousands of dollars--it would have already been signed out for the day week month year!

Elliot. Olivia. When your boss and the ADA whose job it is to prosecute the crimes you investigate tell you that you are not allowed to question the suspect, YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO QUESTION THE SUSPECT! PERIOD! Now, sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up and try not to touch anything! There are people trying to work here!

Dump Fin's phone? Elliot, honey, you are going to have to wear Kevlar to frickin' bed for the rest of your sorry life...

F.A.T.? Seriously? You're seriously going to go with that anagram? Probably an homage to the excremental episode by the same name, the only one to receive 5 Lemons of Suckage from me. Because I cannot see an elite squad of anything agreeing to that travesty of a name.

So, lady? A cop bleeds all over your floor at 1am and this seems normal to you? You believed he was investigating a crime? In that condition? Jesus, New Yorkers really are jaded, aren't they? Or--and more likely--Ironbone had a case of Jagermeister delivered to the writers' room before they sat down to scrawl this one out...

Wow. The magic of "Scanstation 2"! It can put a 3-D picture of your suspect right in the scenario! Wearing the suit he was wearing in Philly! Even when he's on the run! I guess we know why they call it "Scanstation 2" now. I guess "Scanstation 1" sucked monkey balls couldn't do that.

And Cragen? Sending Elliot and Olivia to interview the widow of the dead cop? Without Kevlar on? Not exactly your brightest moment... So when is IAB going to get involved in this? Oh, right. NEVER.

And now for the bullshittiest part of this whole pile of steaming crap: the trial. As my beautiful girlfriend, Tiff, pointed out, Casey Novak should have been trying Thomas Crane for the attempted murder of Chester Lake because that crime actually happened in her jurisdiction! The rape of Cecilia Cruz and the rape/murder of Alisa Hernandez happened in BROOKLYN! If reality still holds sway here on Earth, that is a completely different borough, with its own DA and its own ADAs and everything! So Casey could have tried Crane for attempted murder, in which case Cecilia would never have been on the STAND! The DNA would never have come into question in the attempted murder case! What should have happened is that Brooklyn should have tried Crane for the rape/murder of Alisa Hernandez and the rape of Cecilia Cruz first. Once that trial was over (whether it ended in conviction or not), then Cecilia could have testified as a motive witness in Casey's attempted murder case. Of course, if Crane had been acquitted of the rapes/murder in Brooklyn, then Casey probably wouldn't have put Cecilia on the stand anyway, but that's another story. The bottom line is this: Dickieboy is an idiot who doesn't understand basic geography and he should dragged behind the 2 train until his eyes are opened.

Which, of course, means that the Brady violation would never have happened, which means that Casey Novak would never have been threatened with censure and suspension, which means that the whole last half of this episode was what we in the medical field like to call SMELLY POO! Losers.

However, I do have to say that I admire Warner for standing up to Casey. I know why Casey asked, but it was still out of bounds. Warner did her job and maintained her lab's credibility. That takes some ovaries.

So Fin's leaving too? Or is he? I guess someone who still watches this show (SVU stands for So Very Unwatchable in our house) next season will find out. Personally, I hope he walks. He's too good for this sewer leak of a show, too!

The current DA has several questionable actions on his resume. Several other ADAs have been brought before the bar. Judge Donnelly's office was bugged during a trial and she had an ex parte communication with the then-DA and the prosecutor (which failed to move her and a boy ended up dead). So it surprises me that Donnelly would have the utter audacity a) to go gunning for Casey in the first place and b) to tell her that no one would "fall on their sword" for her. Donnelly? Go fuck yourself.

Anyone who did not predict that Chester Lake would plug Crane in the noggin is excused. You are needed in the How to Clean Up Loose Plot Ends and Butcher a Leaving Actor's Character Seminar. This week's special guest lecturer is Lola Glaudini (Elle Greenaway) from "Criminal Minds".

DiNovia's Other Commentary:

10:02pm Casey Novak on screen! And HELL YES! She should be! It's her last freakin' episode, after all.

Just a note: there isn't a snowball's chance in Hell that Casey is going to work White Collar defense. Listening to SEC violations all day long would put that woman into an irrevocable coma. A travesty of justice. So just put that little red herring out of your minds. You'll see where Casey ends up sometime soon. Don't you worry. /cryptic

Dear Dickieboy the prick Dear Dick Wolf,

Do you, in fact, have the slightest sliver of cerebrum left in that vodka soaked cranium know the geography of New York at all? You are aware that your penis can be measured in negative numbers there are five boroughs in New York, right? You do realize that it would be pointless to "bobbitt" you but I'd give it a try each borough has its own DA, etc.? Because you are a knuckle-dragging, poo-flinging ball of cat-puke giving us the impression that you've forgotten these facts just so you can eviscerate the best thing to ever happen to SVU tie up some loose ends.

Now I know that you've probably snorted ground glass in your sordid past how difficult it can be keeping up with all those pesky details, but I expected more from a toothless, inbred donkey-fucker you. I expected that you would show us your asshole might show Diane a little respect as she didn't hit you in the head with a rusty shovel the first week she met you was the longest running female ADA in your entire franchise. But apparently you were too busy Googling goat porn not. I am considering castrating you with my mother's rusty vegetable peeler from 1967 very disappointed.

Well, Dickieboy Mr. Wolf, this is goodbye. I cannot run from this excremental show fast enough tell you how not sorry I am that I won't have to sit through SVU ever again. Have a boiling oil enema on me nice life and don't piss on a live wire unless I'm there to laugh take any wooden nickels.

Hoping I can one day drop a live rabid ferret down your pants Sincerely,


And now for the important letter:

Dearest Diane,

Congratulations on your excellent portrayal of ADA Casey Novak for these last 5 years. You and your character both have been an inspiration to so many and we will always be your fans, whether you continue in the Entertainment world or turn your talents and passion to another field.

Wishing you all the joy and happiness in the world,

Your fans everywhere

DiNovia's Rating:


Once again (and not since "Fat"), I have to use two graphics to give you the rating of 6 Lemons of Suckage. This episode has gone BEYOND THE SUCK for two reasons: a) because it was Diane Neal's last episode and b) because Dickieboy screwed up his geography in the most egregious manner.

Ever since Tiff figured out the borough issue, the only intelligible thing out of her mouth has been to call everyone having anything to do with this obscene plot "bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling!" She usually reserves that for the Peaches on MarioKart, so you know how bad that is!

I hope you enjoyed it, my lovely Limers!


Tiffany: rawr!piekid on May 17th, 2008 03:09 am (UTC)

If you can read this and have MarioKart WFC, add us!
Piekid - 4167-5108-5681
DiNovia - 3780-9638-0574

Edited at 2008-05-17 03:16 am (UTC)
seftiri: DN2seftiri on May 17th, 2008 12:37 pm (UTC)
Shut up and smile: Movies ll Hercules ll Damsel in Distressmorningafter2 on May 17th, 2008 03:46 am (UTC)
Your review was better than the actual episode. If you had posted a few caps of Casey from said episode, I would direct people to this review instead of allowing them to go anywhere near the episode.

Damn Dick Wolf & Co. for... this... and everything else.

She usually reserves that for Peach on MarioKart, so you know how bad that is!

Peach on Mario Kart = Fail
Peach on Super Smash Bros. Brawl = Epic Fail

Seriously, worst character in a fighting game EVER. That said, if you pause the game as she's doing a high kick and mess with the camera angle, you can sometimes see under her skirt. That amuses me. <---Clearly, around here we have way more time on our hands than is healthy and/or appropriate
Tiffany: vg duck hunt *teehee*piekid on May 17th, 2008 04:40 am (UTC)
Have you seen? wii_kartonline & wii_smashonline

you can sometimes see under her skirt.

Would that be Nintendo porn? Somebody on that first community said something similar about Peach in MarioKart. I quote:

Person #1: "I don't enjoy daisy's tricks much on the wii. They all look the same D: She just screams & her dress blows up alot lol."
Person #2: "hussy"

Shut up and smile: Anime ll PaniPoni ll Ph34rmorningafter2 on May 17th, 2008 04:52 am (UTC)
I've seen them, but I haven't joined them.

And yes, I suppose that would be Nintendo porn. She wears really horrible bloomers though, so I wouldn't call it particularly appealing Nintendo porn, but I am impressed with the detail. My eight-year-old brother took a picture of it and it currently resides on our Wii. I've been trying to replicate those results with Princess Zelda, but she seems to wear leggings. <---overly curious

Tiffany: vg duck hunt *teehee*piekid on May 17th, 2008 01:15 pm (UTC)
I've been watching the former comm, and you're not really missing anything (yet, maybe, dunno). :)
seftiri: C/O Yayseftiri on May 17th, 2008 12:38 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you enjoyed the review, hon! I have to say it was pretty nostalgic to write one. And to read some of the older ones so that I could get in the groove again...
Shut up and smile: RP ll Kate Jacksonmorningafter2 on May 17th, 2008 12:53 pm (UTC)
I always enjoy your reviews. :D
(Deleted comment)
seftiri: DN3seftiri on May 17th, 2008 12:43 pm (UTC)
I think they explained that lameness by saying that Liz was on the peer review board but even then it didn't really make sense. Unless Petrovsky went tattling to Liz about the chambers discussion, which she shouldn't have considering the trial ended in a deadlocked jury and charges could have been (and were going to be) refiled.

Damn, the episode gets worse the more I ponder it!
(Deleted comment)
seftiri: Don't Evenseftiri on May 18th, 2008 03:22 am (UTC)
Very. Very. Creepy.
shayshaych_03 on May 17th, 2008 07:26 am (UTC)
I'm ready for SVU to have an all new cast and crew. New actors, new writers...

CSI: Miami is like a comic book. all pretty colors and surreal people. lots of fun to laugh at and ogle.

good crime tv is Criminal Minds or Wire in the Blood.

I'd LOVE to see Diane show up on a new sci fi pilot ...
seftiri: Goliath Casey Rumsfeldseftiri on May 17th, 2008 12:47 pm (UTC)
Oh, SVU is done. They'll never get rid of Oliska and UnStabler.

Yes, we call CSI:Miami "the funny show!"

Criminal Minds might be heading down that shark-jumping road soon with all this JJ stuff. I haven't caught up (it started during exams for me so we're 3 eps behind now) but I am wary...

New sci-fi pilot...now there's something I hadn't thought of! A lovely idea, especially if she gets to be funny, too... :)
shayshaych_03 on May 17th, 2008 03:33 pm (UTC)
oh now see, you say funny and sci fi together, and i think of Starhyke which I wish would actually be aired... i believe they filmed a full season's worth, and it's got Claudia Christian in it...

as for JJ... so far, so good. not too bad. there was a little "shoe-horning" in the ep where they reintroduced William, but it's still watchable and there is still subtext.
Tiffany: nin i got my fistpiekid on May 17th, 2008 12:06 pm (UTC)
This week's special guest lecturer is Lola Glaudini (Elle Greenaway) from "Criminal Minds".

That makes me scream "BASTARD-COATED BASTARDS WITH BASTARD FILLING!" too. Bastards.

Looking forward to the awesomeness hidden behind the cryptic comment. ;)
seftiri: CM Goddess of Nerdsseftiri on May 17th, 2008 12:48 pm (UTC)
Looking forward to the awesomeness hidden behind the cryptic comment. ;)

I know, me too! Now if only I could find the time!
froggumz: asshatfroggumz on May 17th, 2008 02:53 pm (UTC)
Your reviews have always been so much better then the episodes. They were much missed.

I think Tiff sums it up in a nutshell -
"BASTARD COATED BASTARDS WITH BASTARD FILLING!" and I'll add in "FUCKWITTED ASSHATS", just to get my point across.

I'll add you both for MarioKart once I change my ISP & go wireless, stupid internet of doom. Yoshi & Wario FTW! ;)
seftiri: Gonzo Coolseftiri on May 18th, 2008 03:23 am (UTC)
Yay for Wii friends! Don't forget to email us your Wii number when you get it all figured out. :D

LOVE your icon!
Tiffany: nin year zeropiekid on May 17th, 2008 05:27 pm (UTC)
So I was thinking... you have to admit that they'd prefer 'Fugitive Apprehension Team' to 'Fugitive Apprehension Group'. LOL
seftiri: Coconutsseftiri on May 18th, 2008 03:23 am (UTC)
Well, that is true... LOLOLOL
(Deleted comment)
seftiri: Casey Kicks Assseftiri on May 23rd, 2008 06:17 pm (UTC)
Well... LOL... She will be now... :D I just had a great idea!
tulliolus: flatirontulliolus on May 24th, 2008 11:26 pm (UTC)
OK, a few things:

Your review was so utterly hilarious that I had to cut short the paroxysms of laughter I owed it because of an unfortunate need to breathe.

How many and which of these would you rather have seen than what you actually got?

If you were to actually send your letter to Diane, I would be willing to sign it in big, John-Hancock-esque letters. Ditto your letter to Dick the Dick.

Speaking of whom, why do you call him Ironbone? Is it a TWoP thing? Have I asked this before?

I second the little squee at hearing that you have had an idea.

Somewhat apropos thereof, I don't seem to be able to settle to finishing any of the fanfics I have in the works. Would you be interested, in general terms and in principle, in collaborating with me on any of them? The only fics I've ever finished were those which I either worked on with other people or wrote for the benefit of a specific audience, so I think it would light a much needed fire under me.

I think that's everything. Guess I should have said each of these things when they first came to mind, huh?
(Deleted comment)
seftiri: LMAOseftiri on June 14th, 2008 05:22 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry for the delayed answer to this. Thanks so much for reading! I'm glad it made you laugh. :) Hope the bad day at work turned out better than you expected...