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17 May 2005 @ 01:14 am
Heavy sigh...  
I must be getting ready for the onset of this month's episode of The Happy Ova's Useless Trip Down the Fallopian Tube because this sudden saddness just washed over me while I was trying to write the sequel to "The Eyes Have It". The sequel isn't a sad fic, it is a playful fic. It is a flirty, sexy, first-time fic for C/O. And right now, my Muse is sitting in the corner of my brain, listening to sad, earnest love songs and weeping quietly into a half-empty bottle of Grey Goose...

In other words, she is completely falling down on the job...

She's thinking of devotion and declarations of undying love and hurt/comfort...

"Detective?" The nurse wearing garish Hello Kitty scrubs gently shook Olivia Benson, whose upper body was half-sprawled, half-leaning on the edge of Casey Novak's hospital bed. It was a familiar sight to the night nurses at St. Vincent's but this was Jeannie's first night on this floor. She hated to see someone so uncomfortable.


Olivia wakened with a sharp gasp. "What is it? Casey?" She rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and turned her dark eyes to her partner's form.

"I'm sorry, Detective Benson, it was me. Ms. Novak is fine, resting comfortably. Which is more than I could say for you." She gave the older woman a gentle smile.

"And you are?" Olivia squinted her eyes a little, still trying to shake off the edges of her dreamless sleep.

"Jeannie Curran, your partner's night nurse for the next few nights. I'm new to the floor but not to the job, so don't worry, okay? Ms. Novak will have everything she needs."

"Oh." Though reassured by Jeannie's introduction, Olivia was still confused. "And you woke me because...?"

"You looked so uncomfortable, Detective, and I don't think anyone's told you that you don't hae to sleep in the cot over there or propped up on the edge of her bed like that. You can slip in right next to Ms. Novak if you want. It's not against the rules or anything and you can't hurt her. It will be good for her to feel you next to her, I think. And you sure will sleep better, don't you think?"

Olivia closed her eyes against the tears she knew she couldn't stop. "Thank you," she said simply.

Jeannie put one hand on the brunette's shoulder. "Come on, let's get you two settled for the night, okay? I promise not to disturb you too much."

Liv nodded and stood, sliding off her sneakers and taking the opportunity to stretch some kinks out of her shoulders. Jeannie moved Casey's IV tube and telemetry leads nearer together and turned to Olivia, holding them all in one expert hand.

"Which side do you normally sleep on, Detective?"

"Uhhh...her left." It had taken her longer to remember that than she felt it should have and guilt slid into her belly, souring it.

God, Liv, it's only been 11 days. No, 12. You can't remember on which side of Casey you've slept for almost two years?

"All ready, Detective," said Jeannie, startling Olivia out of her reverie. She had expertly shifted Casey further over in the hospital bed and had secured her tubes and leads out of Olivia's way. She'd even turned down the blankets for her.

Olivia didn't need an invitation. She could feel her muscles and tendons relaxing even before she got fully settled in the bed and when she finally fit her body to Casey's side and took the young woman into her arms, she felt her heart unclench for the first time in an eternity. She didn't even bother to hide her tears of relief.

"Get some sleep, Detective," said Jeannie quietly as she reached for the light switch. Just before she pressed the button she heard a soft word.


"Excuse me?"

"I'm Olivia. And this is Casey."

Jeannie nodded. "Goodnight, Olivia," she said. Then she turned out the light.

In the darkness broken only by soft beeps and a dim nightlight, Olivia tightened her arms around Casey's body, cradling her as tears ran down her face.

"Casey?" she whispered. "Case, honey? Can you feel me here with you? I'm here, Casey, as long as it takes you to find your way back to me, okay? Find your way back. Fight your way back if you have to, honey. Because..." Olivia's throat tightened, choking her, making her words rough with tears and pain. "Because I love you so much I can't see my life without you in it. Do you understand, honey? There's nothing there. It's all dark. There's just nothing."

Olivia ran her fingers through Casey's long red hair and kissed her temple, burying her nose in the scent of her lover and closing her eyes against the sweet pain that welled up inside her.

"You're the everything, sweetie. The everything that makes my life alive and rich with so much sound, so much love, so much...everything. So please, Casey, please find your way back to me. I'll get down on my knees and beg, if you want. I'll say prayers to every God, I'll go to church, I'll go to Hell, but please, Casey, come back to me."

Olivia leaned even further into her lover's body, trying to envelope her, to surround her.

"Please, Casey. Your the only light I've ever had. And I'm so afraid of the dark."

Wiping away the wetness beneath her eyes, Olivia leaned down and kissed Casey's slightly parted lips. She watched the redhead for a long moment, cursing again the driver who had put the young woman here, in a coma, fighting for her life. But she put it away again, locking up the anger, not wanting it in the same bed with them, not wanting it to touch her sweet, beautiful lover.

She settled in to the bed further and pulled the blankets up over them both. Then she closed her eyes, humming herself to sleep with a soft, tuneless melody.


The sound was so soft and cracked, came from so far away, that Olivia thought she'd dreamed it at first.


She looked down and found Casey's copperkettle eyes looking back.

"Casey? Honey?" She stroked Casey's cheek, her heart racing, her eyes filling with tears all over again. "Are you awake?"

Casey moved her head in the barest immitation of a nod. "Couldn't...leave you...alone...in the dark." She managed to move one hand close enough to Olivia's face to caress her gently once. "Because...you're my everything...too."

"I love you, Casey, sweetie. I love you so much." Olivia rocked Casey in her strong arms. "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you..."

"I love you...too...Liv. Always have...always will."

"Forever?" asked Olivia, her sobs choking her.

"And...a day..." replied Casey, a single tear slipping down her cheek.

Olivia laughed through her tears and lowered her mouth to Casey's, kissing her softly, lovingly, endlessly...

"Me too," she whispered.

See, that's how the Muse is conducting herself tonight. I was looking for flirty, she gives me forlorn. I was looking for sexy, she gives me sobs.

Oh well, Shay just sent me a flirty, sexy song to tempt the Muse back to the task at hand. Shall we see if it works? I think so.


My State of Mind: melancholymelancholy
What the Voices in My Head Hear: Fisher/I Will Love You...over and over
(Anonymous) on May 17th, 2005 07:31 am (UTC)
it was saddy that ended happy!!! :)

i think i wuv you.
seftiri: candoseftiri on May 17th, 2005 07:53 am (UTC)
Re: awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Well, yeah...LOL I don't do character death and I don't do sad endings. It's physically impossible for me. LOL
(Anonymous) on May 17th, 2005 10:00 am (UTC)
Re: awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
this is a good thing. for otherwise, i would have to hunt you down. :D maybe even deny you piccage.