"Erin, I did something to your computer and a woman appeared on the screen--"
Now I know what is on the screen because it's my desktop picture. It was a gift from my friend Shay. It depicts a tender moment between Elizabeth Blaine from Drac II & III and Kate Lockley from Angel. (I'll tell you more about that later.) I do.not.want.him.to.talk.about.it. Especially at this time and place.
So I try to cut him off. "Yeah, Dad, it's okay...you just bumped it out of screensaver mode--"
"--And it has words..."
And my father starts READING them. It's a bit of poetry about being made whole by love. There's a room full of people, mostly my extended family, all glued to his every word. I try to cut him off again.
"Yeah, Dad, it's just my desktop picture. It's not a problem, you didn't--"
"--But there's a woman on the screen and....and..."
By now he's noticing certain pertinent details, like the OTHER WOMAN in the picture and the fact that they are not clothed (it's from the shoulders up, but it's still pretty obvious they aren't clothed). I am desperate to stop him from continuing the description in front of OUR GRIEVING FAMILY.
"--Yeah, Dad, I know. I put it there. A woman, long red hair, vampire teeth. I know it's there. Really, it's okay. You didn't do anything."
He leans forward, closer to the screen.
"Well, yeah. That's one way to describe it."
I hold my breath. His best friend from high school laughs knowiingly. My heart is whooshing in my chest. This could go either way. Has he been drinking? Oh God, I hope not.
Then suddenly Dad gets distracted by something else and drops the subject.
I sigh with relief and go back to drawing Jack O'Lanterns for my niece, thanking The Limer Goddess that I got him to stop before he described a sapphic vampire picture to an entire room of stoic Dutch people who avoid my sexuality like they avoid sushi.
I've never had a moment so frought with imminent horror just because my screensaver got bumped off.
Holy friggin' Hell.
Thought you'd enjoy the story. :)