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30 November 2005 @ 08:35 pm
Review, "Storm", 11/29/05  



It's the beginning of the end, my friends.  There is blood in the water and sharks in the East River.

Soon SVU will be no more.

I mourn.




Summary of Episode:

Three young black women attempt to escape a pedophile that has kidnapped them from hurricane-ravaged New Orleans.  The oldest and youngest, Tasha and Lola, use the time-tested escape method of "running into traffic" while Pedophile Guy catches up to the middle girl, Nikki.  He disappears off the scene with Nikki, leaving Tasha and Lola to their fates.  When walking through the ENTIRETY of Harlem doesn't seem to jog Tasha's memory about where she'd been held, Huang--exhibiting quite a bit more fatalism and panic than is usually his bag--freaks out and comes up with a plan to lure the pedophile out by using the media and a fake news report.  Which is where we meet this week's Useless Dick, Jackson Zane*, a reporter for the same tabloid that reported on Alex Cabot's death.  Because, apparently, there is only one tabloid newspaper in NYC.  Mr. Dick stalks Olivia and ruins surveillance and the detectives end up with Pedophile Guy but not Nikki.  Then Pedophile Guy dies of inhalation anthrax.  I, of course, went into convulsions and began vomiting blood from the sheer stupidity of what followed.

*Obviously a name stolen from this month's Harlequin Romance "novel".  

DiNovia's Content Commentary:

No ambulance ride for Olivia this week!  Poor thing.  Do you think she gets free lollipops with every ride?

Yeah.  I have a LOT of issues with this episode.  One of which is WHAT THE FUCK WAS ALL THAT ANTHRAX SHIT IN THERE FOR?  Wasn't the Pedophiles Preying on Poor Katrina Victims enough??  What did Huang say?  4500 nationally registered pedophiles disappeared off the radar after the extent of the damage to New Orleans and surrounding areas became known?  That isn't FRIGHTENING ENOUGH?  Apparently not.  After all, why do an actual public service with this episode and show the faces and/or names of missing children from Katrina when we can add some ridiculous ANTHRAX plot to the script and ruin an otherwise topical and important show.  You want an Emmy?  Do something worthwhile instead of playing around in Alias' toy box.  Then maybe we'll talk Emmy.  Until then, choke on a pretzel and die.

Liv, sweetheart, did you not get enough of sleazy asshole journalists with the one that TRIED TO RAPE YOU and then stole info on your open case from your apartment?  Oh, and just FYI, he looks young enough to be your son.  A son born when you were 15, to be sure, but still.  A direct quote from my notes: "Please.  I'm begging you.  Do NOT make him the father of your child.  I, myself, will kill you."

What?  Is Jackson Zane somehow too cute to warrant a PUNCH IN THE FACE?  When a tabloid journalist ruins your surveillance of a pedophile by calling out to you on the street and identifying you as a detective, it is time to discuss with him the merits of shutting.THE FUCK.up.  Preferably through the liberal usage of full-contact gesticulation.

Way to break the rules in the interest of saving a life, Casey Novak!  Please note, all you Casey-haters, that she had Dutch (Pedophile Guy) printed despite the fact that it was technically a violation of his Constitutional Rights.  Not because she was unaware of that fact.  It's called using the system.  That being said, however, the same ends could have been achieved by giving the obviously feverish man a cold soda to drink.  But then we would have lost 90 seconds of Casey Novak.  Oh, the dilemma. 

It's not enough, apparently, that he stalks you and ruins surveillance, but apparently he also has to make your case for you by handing out $1000 to felons in order to get the information on Pedophile Guy's next of kin in NY.  Like we all believe that Giant White Skinhead Dude and Black Pedophile Guy were discussing home cooking in their cell together.  /rolling eyes

Fin, my darling!  "Who do we call when we've been raped?"  Best line of the episode!

Now I hate the Bush Sadministration as much as the next Lesbian Liberal, but really, when the CDC and the feds take every shred of evidence regarding your case, up to and including the body of the dead pedophile, and then call you down to One PP to tell you your part in the investigation is over, then frankly, IT IS FUCKING OVER!  Just because you care about the welfare of those girls...just because you've had about 8 hours of contact with them...does not mean that you--oh, I don't know--ARE THE ONLY PERSON ON EARTH QUALIFIED TO DEAL WITH THE SITUATION! 

Okay, Olivia, you leaked the story to Useless Dick.  Terrific.  Shoo him on his way now.  Let the little leech print up the story to get you your girls back.  Then forget.about.him.  Please?

Okay, no.  Because, of course, you can actually spend three minutes with an 8-year-old and learn more about where she came across WEAPONIZED ANTHRAX than the entirety of the FBI and its vast resources.  You know, in "911" the FBI were an invaluable resource to you and your investigation.  Tonight the FBI were a bunch of fucking buffoons whose only aim was to cover up the apparent failure to secure five biochemical weapons labs compromised during Katrina.  How exactly does that work?  Oh yeah.  Different writers. 

And then?  Then you find the guy?  The driver of the van?  You find him?  Ostensibly the feds had access to all this information, right?  I mean if the NIH knew that there was a security guard left to guard this particular Bioweapons Lab, that means that the feds had that information, too.  Because the NIH is part of the FEDERAL GOVERNMENT.  If he was the last known guard there and the Weapons Grade Anthrax went missing and so did he, don't you think someone would have NOTIFIED THE FBI??  He was still using his fucking real name!  He was still working in the industry!!  Hello, writer dude?  YOU SUCK.  There are plot holes in this episode that I could fly the Millennium Falcon through!!  Hell, a FLEET of them!

And instead of turning the guy over to the feds, you what?  Excuse me, you what?  You tape your interrogation and give it to Useless Dick.  Of course.

Munch:  "Where are you going?"
Olivia:  "Don't ask, don't tell."
Me:  "LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL  You're getting a Subtext Lime for that, dear." 

Oh and this just in.  Nobody on EARTH can type that fast, let alone some man.  He's what, 25?  In which case, he just this year discovered there are other things he can do with his hands other than play Playstation2, stir Spaghetti-O's, and party solo with his johnson.  Or his jackson.  Whatever.  The point is, no one types that fast. 

Okay.  Let's say I believe all that.  That Liv saved New York by leaking classified information to the press.  That she was the only person able to put this whole story together.  That--somehow--she succeeded where every single other person failed.  Hell, throw in the typing.  If I believed all of that, I still couldn't get past this:

Olivia getting into a federal lockup to see the Useless Dick, using the phone to talk to him through the glass, confessing that she used an alias, and somehow not being a) taped or b) ON FUCKING CAMERA.  Please.  The feds should have converged on her like a flock of starving seagulls on a Cheeto.

So...that's going to be the father of the Bitty Benson?  Because what better reason to fuck a Useless Dick than him going to jail for you, right?  God save us all.

DiNovia's Other Commentary:

10:22pm Casey Novak on screen!  She is my TV wife.  Yes, indeed.  "Do you think he knows that?"  LOL  Casey, you are pure LOVE.  However, three minutes is NOT ENOUGH.

Huang, honey.  I say this only because I care.  They make decaf now.  Tastes just the same.  Also, meth isn't a recognized cream substitute.  Stop putting it in your coffee.  Kthx.

Warner.  My angel, my love.  I am THRILLED, no, really, THRILLED that you had such a huge part in this episode even though most of it was complete crap.  However, if you ever bring out the PDA of Deus Ex Machina again, I will find a way to embed it into your forehead while forcing you to do the Riverdance dressed as an asparagus.  This is not an idle threat.  Trust me.

How sweet was it that Cragen didn't want to visit Liv in a federal lockup and so he told her to make sure the feds could never trace anything back to her?  It made me go "Awwww" at the same time that I was rolling my eyes.  Because it really takes a rocket scientist to figure out that it was Olivia Benson, badge number 44015, currently assigned to the SVU at the 16th precinct, undercover alias "Rachel Martin", 5'7.5", brunette with various hair lengths over the last three months, who leaked the story to the press. 

Okay, you little twit Dear Hair Gal,

I'm going to give you until midnight on December 15th, meet me at the underpass and come alone one more chance to change Casey Novak's hair back to red or your favorite hairdryer will be sent home to God I will commence with "Plan B".  You see, I am now in possession of several pounds of C-4 and an easily provoked temper both of your email addresses.  You heard me.  I, Erin, Queen of Lithuania The Strongly Worded Letter have your email addresses.  I also have a Klingon bat'tleth a blog and many friends.  You may want to start apologizing now prepare yourself.  It was laughably simple exceedingly easy to get them because you seem to have an inflated sense of self worth an open and sharing personality.  I simply googled "hair twat" "svu" your name and the word 'email' and voila!  Up popped an idiot both your email addresses.  You should be afraid, very afraid more careful.  Anyone could find this, even you an unsavory character.  I'm not too surprised though.  After all, you are a moron so open and sharing.  And seeing as this is the case, I'm sure you won't mind if I spam your inbox with ads for penis enlargement devices, low cost non-prescription pharmaceuticals, and specific shades of red hair dye am open and sharing, too.  Therefore, consider yourself on notice forewarned.  Please change Casey's hair back to the original red or face the wrath of a bevy of distressed Limers expect to be hearing from me and my friends soon. 

Got it, you fly-by-night hack? Thank you.  Don't slip in your own drool and die, you thumbless Neanderthal Have a good week!

Since we are now officially saddled with Super!Oliska!, I think it only fitting to take froggumz up on her suggestion to have an appropriate super-hero theme (not to mention to shamelessly "borrow" from shinko0278's suggestions for catch phrases)!  Thus I bring you the following:

Faster than Hair Gal can cut a mullet.
More powerful than the ENTIRE US GOVERNMENT and all its resources combined!
Able to interview traumatized children in the blink of an eye!

Look!  Beyond the Hair Wings of Insanity!
It's a Whore!  It's a Dyke!  It's Super!Oliska!

Yes, it's Super!Oliska! - A child of rape who came to Manhattan with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men.  Super!Oliska! - who can change the course of stalled investigations, bend plot lines with her bare hands, and who, disguised as Rachel Martin, a mild-mannered heterosexual female, fights the never ending battle for Truth, Justice and the Pink Power Suit Way.  With her sidekick, The Limer Goddess!, also known as ADA Casey Novak, Super!Oliska! brings rapists and pedophiles to justice while simultaneously looking fabulous in every way!

Catch phrase of Super!Oliska!: The people have a right to know.
Catch phrase of The Limer Goddess!: Holy fashion emergency, that person's wearing gray!

Jackson Zane (to Olivia):  Don't come back.
Me:  Best advice I've heard all night.

You know an episode is bad when you are explaining it to your mother and she stops you halfway through the retelling to ask you, "I'm sorry but are the writers fucking smoking crack this season or what?"  Yeah.  Direct quote.  At 7:15am.

Aside on the teaser for next week's episode:  Oh for God's sake!  I don't even want to know.  Criminy.

Aside on the news that yes, Mariska and Peter are expecting:  While I am, of course, thrilled for Ms. Hargitay and her husband, I am officially in mourning for "Law & Order: SVU" and will be taking mourning banner submissions to include with my reviews beginning when the show announces that Olivia Benson is, yes, pregnant and the father is that idiot journalist.  Send all submissions to limegreenbeez@gmail.com   The only consideration is that the base of the banner be black.  Other than that, express your mourning however you wish, with pictures or without. 

Okay.  It's no secret.  I hate this episode and what it represents for a show that was once a show to be respected.  Therefore it gets a really low rating.  Not the lowest, though, because Casey was in it, even though she was blonde, Fin had the best line, and Warner had more to do (and wear) than she usually does.  And there was one Subtext Lime.  So, not the worst episode ever, but certainly less believable than "Demons" and "911". 

OMG!  This just IN!  Ask Ausiello just reported that an SVU insider says Mariska's pregnancy will NOT be written into the show.  I repeat, Olivia Benson is NOT going to bring forth a Bitty Benson!  Thank you, SVU insider.  The writers were already tanking the show faster than you can say "WTF??"  We didn't need a completely distracting pregnancy to further that initiative along.  Flisters, you may now commence dancing in the streets.


DiNovia's Rating:





Twoodles.

DiNovia

 
 
My State of Mind: grumpyyou SUCK, writers
What the Voices in My Head Hear: Stabbing Westward--Save Yourself
 
 
 
Shut up and smile: S/Cmorningafter2 on December 1st, 2005 02:08 am (UTC)
Your reviews are the perfect way to recover from the Chorus Rehersals From Hell. A million thank yous. You rock.

And thank GOD there will be no Baby Benson. This season, anyway. I just couldn't handle that. *Commences dancing in the street, ignoring the snickers from all neighbors*

What was the preview for next week's episode? I missed it. ;_;
seftiri: DiMar Friend Loveseftiri on December 1st, 2005 03:27 am (UTC)
Thank you! :D I'm glad my review can help with recuperation from chorus! LOL

As for the preview...some little girl with a really bad wig stabs a little boy in the spine with a pair of scissors. Then the voice over..."But you'll never believe what is REALLY going on..." UGH.
(no subject) - morningafter2 on December 1st, 2005 04:03 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - rockcliffchic81 on December 1st, 2005 04:40 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - seftiri on December 1st, 2005 05:24 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - rockcliffchic81 on December 1st, 2005 05:31 am (UTC) (Expand)
Lisa: porockcliffchic81 on December 1st, 2005 02:09 am (UTC)
Again as always the paragraph about the hair had me laughing.
I watched this an hour early and was told by my dad that it was a good episode, I did enjoy it but it jumped topics and that confuses me.
seftiri: One Girl Armyseftiri on December 1st, 2005 03:30 am (UTC)
I am a stickler for plot holes and stuff, so I tend to be harsher than absolutely necessary. I bet, for every minute over 3 that Casey might have been in the ep, my crankiness would have lessened proportionately!

Glad the hair paragraph made you laugh! :)
Catherine: Olivia this is not my day from nbc.comshinko0278 on December 1st, 2005 02:10 am (UTC)
Wicked you used my catch phrases, I'm honored. Plus major bonus of learning that they won't be making Olivia pregnant on the show. I'm doing my poor imitation of the Snoopy dance now. Maybe there still is hope after all.
seftiri: Benson Cute Smileseftiri on December 1st, 2005 03:35 am (UTC)
Thank you for allowing me to use them!

And yes, I did a little dance myself. :) I hope it continues to be true.
deify_bd_wong on December 1st, 2005 02:38 am (UTC)
Huang, honey. I say this only because I care. They make decaf now. Tastes just the same. Also, meth isn't a recognized cream substitute. Stop putting it in your coffee. Kthx.

[giggles] Aww, but it was cute. Spastic!Huang is LOVE!

Sort of like your reviews. :-]
seftiri: AJ Cuteseftiri on December 1st, 2005 03:40 am (UTC)
He was cute! Just a little more...aggressive...than I'm used to seeing.

And awww...thanks!! :)
Danielle: Mariska and Diane - Hee!dani_ellie on December 1st, 2005 03:30 am (UTC)
Okay, strike-throughs crack me up to begin with. Your strike-throughs? Have me on the floor. ;)

And I want to buy that comic book. ;)
seftiri: DN Joyseftiri on December 1st, 2005 03:58 am (UTC)
I really do have the email addresses, btw. LOL I don't know if I have another strike through paragraph in me. LOL We'll see. LOL

Maybe next week she'll be red again. I mean, a girl can dream, right? ;)

If I ever see that comic book, I will let you know!
(no subject) - dani_ellie on December 1st, 2005 04:00 am (UTC) (Expand)
penny_grrl on December 1st, 2005 04:33 am (UTC)
OMG, "full contact gesticulation," this phrase almost made me fall off my chair. Reading this review was my treat/motivation to research my Human Rights case study this evening BEFORE I would allow myself computer time. I am amazed at how you can turn an episode so awful into such a funny and amusing review. BTW, count me in on Plan B. Your strikethroughs read so much like my own thoughts, it's actually a little creepy.... :-)
seftiri: DN Joyseftiri on December 1st, 2005 05:28 am (UTC)
oh squee! I'm so glad you liked that phrase! I felt that that was a zinger myself. :)

Wow, my reviews help people recuperate from things and now they are used as treats/motivations for others! I am humbled and flattered!

And LOL. I wonder if I have another strikethrough paragraph in me. I guess we'll see next week. Otherwise, I commence with "Plan B" LOL
Backwards Girl: Almost Evilfight_back83 on December 1st, 2005 05:02 am (UTC)
I just woke up from a nap and I'm not entirely coherent. Therefore, I'm just gonna keep it simple and say this. Word, my friend. Word. Someone needs to make the pain that are plot holes and extraneous plot lines end. It hurts my brain.
seftiri: Shoot to Killseftiri on December 1st, 2005 05:31 am (UTC)
Thank you, dear! And I agree with you. I just saw tonight's mothership ep, which was very good. And mothership has been on for 15 years now, compared to SVU's 7... The writers are trying too hard on SVU...they should stick to the formula! It works.
shayshaych_03 on December 1st, 2005 06:21 am (UTC)
welcome to the wild, wacky world of "we are all over the place".

i liked this ep...if it was six hours long. svu writer: please, please, stop trying to cram the entire contents of the front page into one episode. go back to simple, single plot line stories. and gee, maybe we can see fin and munch for more than twenty seconds?

erin, as usual, your review made me laugh like a maniac. :D i am a stickler for my fandoms tho, so i'll keep the faith and hope that it'll get better :)
seftiri: Liv Casey Aniseftiri on December 1st, 2005 07:21 pm (UTC)
It is sad, isn't it? Ruining a show by trying to cram so much into it that you dilute it? It's so odd.

I'm glad the review made you laugh. :)

And I too am here with SVU as long as our darling Diane is a part of it. They could make the show a 46 minute silent film of Diane vacuuming livingrooms all over NYC and I'd be riveted. :)
(no subject) - shaych_03 on December 2nd, 2005 02:32 am (UTC) (Expand)
froggumzfroggumz on December 1st, 2005 05:15 pm (UTC)
Catch phrase of The Limer Goddess!: Holy fashion emergency, that person's wearing gray!

I've found myself saying this already today *blush*

That was a fantastic review, far better written then this episode. I have to admit that I'm very impressed with the new theme for Super!Oliska!. By the Power of Graysku...the Wings! She has the power!
seftiri: DN Starpowerseftiri on December 1st, 2005 07:31 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I'm glad you liked it!

And thank you for the idea for the Super!Oliska! theme! It's been getting many compliments and I owe them all to you! :)
You said it! - gemfinch on December 1st, 2005 08:27 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: You said it! - seftiri on December 1st, 2005 08:35 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Meg: Is it peas?megandjim on December 1st, 2005 08:59 pm (UTC)
I haven't seen this episode... yet. It's downloading as I write this. I absolutely love your reviews. In a few hours I can laugh about it all again when I watch this festering turd of a show!!
seftiri: Mar Joyful Heartseftiri on December 1st, 2005 09:40 pm (UTC)
Thank you thank you! I am so glad you liked it! I can't believe you read it before you watched the ep! What if you LIKE the ep and then think my review is crap???

EEEEEK!

;)

PS...LOVE your icon!!
(no subject) - megandjim on December 1st, 2005 10:01 pm (UTC) (Expand)
rave_review on December 1st, 2005 09:30 pm (UTC)
I just made the rather unfortunate (or fun, whatever way I look at it) choice to read this during a particularly boring class today... Trying to look like I was taking notes while I was laughing my ass off didn't really work out.
Ya made my dreary Ohio day brighter with the entire Hair girl passage and The feds should have converged on her like a flock of starving seagulls on a Cheeto.
*snickers like a teenager* "jackson"
Thank you!
seftiri: NovakJusticeseftiri on December 1st, 2005 09:46 pm (UTC)
LOL I'm so afraid that I'm going to get emails from unhappy teachers with the number of you who read these while you are supposed to be taking notes! LOL However, I am also thrilled that you like them so much!

As for the cheeto line, thanks! I'm thinking of making an icon inspired by that one. LOL

Mystic Amethystmysticamethyst on December 1st, 2005 10:00 pm (UTC)
My friends are all rady to kill me for even persuading them to watch SVU a couple of seasons ago. They were on the phone to me and all saying

"WTF!? I can see the attraction of the earlier series, but dude, this one sucked!"

Two of them aren't even Limers, so no amount of Casey could save the episode for them :).

I think I'll just direct them all over to your review. If it makes them laugh half as much as it does me, they should feel better.
seftiri: DN Joyseftiri on December 1st, 2005 10:08 pm (UTC)
LOL I'm so glad you liked it! And please, send friends! The more, the merrier!

It scares me how much the writers are off their blocks this season. I hope they get back to the formula soon. Oi vey. ;)

TrueXena: Evil Squeetruexena on December 1st, 2005 10:54 pm (UTC)
Loved the review, loved your comments, and cant seem to keep myself from laughing out loud from all the snark.

Thanks again for the review, and as a treat to you (and sHaY) I give permission to download my very first venture in vidding in the fandom that is known as "L&O: SVU". Enjoy!

http://www.livejournal.com/users/truexena/18388.html <-- has the linkage and you may comment there as well. ;o)

(no, tis not AWARD winning, but its no worse than the last episode aired)
seftiri: All Smilesseftiri on December 3rd, 2005 01:59 am (UTC)
I'm glad you liked the review.

And your video was hysterical. It was a bright moment in a night filled with pain and misery...aka another migraine. LOL

:)

Thanks!
purplekudzu: squintpurplekudzu on December 2nd, 2005 05:51 pm (UTC)
Holy Plot Twists, Super!Oliska!
Okay, so, I am SSOOO glad I didn't cut a date short to get home to watch this on Tuesday. And given the pre-review, I honestly only kept it on my priority list so I could read your lovely review and snicker along as I went.
Your Anthrax commentary and the desire to punch reporter dick? Totally with you! I kept yelling at her to hit him and then offering to do it myself. My roomie suggested I also kick him in the balls and stomp on them (and my roomie's a guy).
However,reading your lovely review was worth the pain of the episode.

Haven't the writers realized that 75 percent of the reason people have kept watching the L&O shows for so long is because they ARE formulaic. Don't fuck with what works, people.

P.S. Yay for no OliskaBaby!!
P.S.S. I have access to bottles of red hair dye and postage stamps and am not afraid to use them.
seftiri: Mar Grinseftiri on December 3rd, 2005 02:06 am (UTC)
Re: Holy Plot Twists, Super!Oliska!
oooOOOooo A date? How'd that go? Yes, definitely don't cut a date short to watch crap on celluloid! LOL

I am also glad about the no Oliska!Baby! ruling. ::whew::

I'm glad you enjoyed the review, dearheart!

And as soon as Plan B is put into motion, I will let you know!